The Road Less Traveled

"Anthony went on to tell the Greek philosophers that their arguments would never be as strong as faith. He pointed out that all rhetoric, all arguments, no matter how complex, how well-founded, were created by human beings. But faith was created by God. If they wanted to follow the greatest ideal, they should follow their faith. " (From the article "St. Anthony the Abbot")

A girl, a city, and a statue:

As a young girl, I remember visiting San Antonio, Texas with my family. We lived in the hill country of Texas and would go to San Antonio for it’s metropolitan but relaxed atmosphere. I love San Antonio. My sister would run me around the different Missions and we learned all we could about San Antonio’s history. The Alamo was the most impressive display of courage and freedom that I had seen. Above all, I adored the Riverwalk, where the lazy Guadalupe River would run through the canals that housed many shops and restaurants. Along the Riverwalk there was a statue of the Patron Saint of the City, San Antonio himself; holding the Christ child on an open Bible. I use to stare at that statue and look into his kindly face. I wondered who he was and why he was a monk. Since I was not raised in a Catholic background my family couldn’t tell me much about him either. But I knew that he was wise and kind and gentle and I wished that I could have known him better…

But that memory faded into the background as I grew up…

The Road I Didn't Want To Travel:

"Your not compatible." "What?" I say, "How is that possible?" "Well, m’am, this is just a theory and all, but it could be an explanation of why you haven’t been able to sustain a pregnancy." Well, that just wasn’t a good enough answer for me. Though I could not argue with the doctor, I thought, "Not compatible with my husband? My husband that I have known since high school? Who finishes my sentences for me, speaks my thoughts aloud before I even voice them, shares the same dreams and goals? Does that sound like incompatible to you?" What was the doctor’s prescription? ‘Well, since we don’t know for sure, you can keep trying and we’ll keep testing."

So, my husband and I've spent 11 years trying to have a child "naturally"; and I've had five known miscarriages (although I've had a couple more than that, I'm sure). The last one was the hardest. Went through all the fertility/hormone treatments, thought the doctors found "the cure", got shots, got pregnant, seven weeks later held my little one in my hands not sure what to do with him/her? Give my baby to the doctors to test? Bury my baby somewhere? It was the worst experience of my life. I was angry with God, with myself, and with life. The "whys" and "what ifs" were eating me up inside. Needed grief counseling, but so wounded, I didn't realize it. Nearly broke up my marriage. While the tribulation was going on, well-meaning people were always saying, "You should adopt!" They gave many wonderful reasons (a lot with misconceptions about adoption), but no one ever sat me down and asked me what I really thought about adoption.

A Stop At The Cemetery:

One of the first things I realized, if I was to go on with my life and even consider adoption, I was going to have to grieve my infertility and bury it. If I didn’t, I would forever be trying to compensate our loss in some way that would affect our marriage, our future children, our family, and my own personal self worth as an individual. Grieving through anything is a process that takes time. And though this battle, I had to quench the lies that were whispering to my heart. The main lies I kept hearing whispered over and over again were "God does not find you worthy of caring for a child. He doesn’t trust you." This is so untrue of anyone. But in grief, I believed them. I knew that I had to defeat the lies, give my infertility over to God, and bury it all once and for all with forgiveness. And when I did so, my marriage improved and so did my self-esteem. Do I still return to the cemetery? Every once in a while, but before I grab a shovel and start digging up the past, I remember why I buried it there in the first place. And I find peace.

Which Path To Travel:

My husband was the first one to talk about adoption when I finally came to terms and found peace with infertility. I was still skittish about the idea simply because I wanted to make sure that this was both of our desires for building a family and not trying to replace what was lost or meet the approval of our family and friends who desired this for us as well. This desire had to be born in our hearts, not theirs.

When we were both satisfied that this is where we needed to be, we started looking around for information. Boy, were we overwhelmed! It looked like our path we were traveling suddenly branched off into a million little paths - some looked promising - some not. Which one should we choose? So we prayed. We asked God that if He truly wanted us to pursue an adoption, to please cut through the clutter and give us the name of somebody to talk to.

The very next day, my husband got a flyer in the mail from a nearby church sponsoring an adoption seminar with the counselor’s name. Brent looked at me - I looked at him and we stared at that flyer. We had never received anything from this church before or since. We knew that this was our first step of faith on the path that was laid out before us. So we held our breaths and went to the meeting.

What followed was the journey with our wonderful adoption agency Bethany Christian Services in St. Louis and the meeting of our precious firstFamily. This branch puts the expectant family first and offers them much counseling and prayers and support throughout the decision making process. We were delighted with Bethany’s philosophy and with their mannerism.

Am I Lost?

Have you ever traveled on a path in the woods and suddenly you wonder, "Does this thing make a loop? Have I been here before? Should I turn back?" Have you ever felt lost - that uncertain feeling in the pit of your stomach where you feel out of breath and out of control?

Seven weeks after our first "match" with an expectant mother, we received a phone call that said, she had changed her mind and decided to parent. So many mixed emotions that we didn’t know what to do with. We were glad for the Mother, for both choosing life for her son and for making the choice to parent. We were sad for ourselves and then felt guilty about feeling sad. I fought deeper emotions as well, because almost every pregnancy I had ended on the seventh week. And this "failed placement" at the seventh week felt like another miscarriage to me. I felt as though this child I had named in my heart and prayed for was lost to me. And to this day, I still pray for him by the only name that I know him as. But that’s another story for another day…

Once again, I turned the controls back to God…and He spoke to me. "What if this child is the one to turn her heart toward Me? Can you accept My will for her and her son?" How could I tell God no? Once again I had peace, but this time instead of rest - God had a work for me to do.

He led me to writings by wonderful people, such as Skye Hardwick and Courtney Frey. I started reading a book Bethany had given me called, "Dear Birthmother". Slowly, He systematically started stripping down all the remainders of my fears about open adoption. I shared these with my husband and he shared what God was showing him. It was an amazing process. We sat down and started writing a fresh "profile" letter for the agency to use. We wanted to start fresh with the new knowledge we had. We worked and worked till we were satisfied. Finally, we were ready to mail it off on a Monday…

Pull Over From The Path Your On!

On that Monday, I was working in my office when I got a call from my adoption specialist. I told her how happy I was to be talking with her and let her know of my plans to mail off that profile. She started laughing and saying there was no need. I asked her why, and she said that another firstFamily had chosen us as parents for their son. She talked me through the arrangements and then told me that our birthmom would be at the placement ceremony on Thursday. She then said, "Hey that’s Valentine’s Day! Did you realize that?" With a trembling hand, I hung up the phone only to turn around and call my husband. He was on his cell phone and he was driving. "Pull over" I said. "No" was his reply. "You have to pull over." I countered. "Why?" he countered back. When I told him the news, he pulled over.

A New Day - A New Path In The Adoption Journey

The day came when we drove to the agency. A Valentine’s Day like no other…and it got me to thinking about my first Valentine’s Day with my first boyfriend. He was cute and nervous and handed me a carnation and a card that had a sweet saying. He was sixteen and tan and smelled good. Now many years later, he’s older, wiser, and still tan, smelling good as we drove to the adoption agency. Due to the current arrangement that we have with our birth family, I won’t go into a lot of details about that day, until I have their blessing to do so. But let me say that I am so glad that our birthmom came to the ceremony. It was so incredible and so wonderful to meet her and the foster family who cared for our precious Anthony. I can’t even begin to describe that day, the joy, the sadness, the tears, and the hugs.

As we talked with each other, I asked our birthmom about Anthony - why she chose his name. She said, "My grandmother said to pray to St. Anthony when you lose things." I told her that her Anthony would never be lost to her and that when we looked up his name in a couple of baby-books, his meant "Priceless" and "Worthy of Praise". Such an awesome name, how could we ever change it? I have heard Mothers say that when they looked down at their child and looked into his or her eyes, they knew just what to name their child. From the first moment I saw Anthony, I knew there could be no other name for him. His eyes, which are the window of the soul, just spoke it.

From what we understand, Anthony had colic and cried very hard for those first seven weeks of his life. The day of the ceremony came, and they placed him in my arms. He let out a cry, a big burp, a sigh and then just snuggled in my lap in a comfortable lump and went to sleep. He slept through the whole ceremony. I heard the Foster Father whisper to the Foster Mother "That ’s the first time I’ve seen him peaceful since I’ve known him." And they nodded to each other.

I looked down at this peaceful baby in my lap and felt overwhelmed by Anthony’s love and trust for me. And then I looked at his birthmother. The tears and pain in her eyes will haunt me forever. This Valentine’s present was a gift to her son - a sacrificial gift that transcends tawdry candy and roses. I thought I understood what Valentine’s Day was all about. I didn’t. Not until that moment. It is a day to remember unconditional, unwavering love that is worth dying for - just like St. Valentine himself did many centuries ago.

Full Circle

Many weeks later, I was researching the Net to see if I could find out information on St. Anthony of Padua. I figured that if Anthony’s birthmom had named him after the Saint, then I should find out all that I could about him. He is an amazing man, and I hope you get to read the links I’ve included. But in my search, something stopped me cold in my tracks. On a webpage I stared at a picture of a friendly face. One that seemed to reach out to my hazy past and held my gaze with his eyes. I looked down below the picture and read, " San Antonio, Texas, is the site of this modern statue of St. Anthony. The child, with arms spread like a cross, stands on the Bible, reverently held by this great preacher of the Word of God." Why St. Anthony Holds the Child Jesus

It was the same statue that I had stared at as a child on the Riverwalk in San Antonio. San Antonio is the Spanish name for St. Anthony.

Until that moment, I hadn't realized the full implication of it. Then I heard these words in my heart. "You may not have gotten to know my servant, but I’d like for you to love and know better your own St. Anthony. Teach him about Me. Teach him about his family. Raise him up to be a Man of God, kind and full of grace like my servant, but his own man."

And I wept.

The journey continues…